Tuesday, July 26, 2011

In Which The Nametard Unleashes a Profanity Laced Tirade Against Scarborough Research

Hi, Scarborough Research? Hey, maybe you’ll pick up this on Google alerts or something, so good, maybe you are listening! I really just have one thing to say to you.

Go fucking die you lousy piece of shit wannabe telemarketer loser fucking idiot survey company.

That felt good! Well, no, actually having you guys stop calling me would feel even better.

Listen, I understand you are a survey company and really desperately need to know what TV shows I watch, but can’t you take ‘no’ for an answer? I swear, I have told you repeatedly (because you call all the time) that I do NOT want to take your survey, but you just keep asking me when a good time is. You know when a good time is? FUCKING NEVER. You also ask me why I don’t want to take a survey. You know why? Because you are fucking annoying shits who DEMAND that I explain to YOU why I won’t answer your inane questions when YOU ARE THE FUCKING ONES THAT CALLED ME!

You say you can’t directly take me off the list, but you keep asking me when a good time is to call, so it is obvious you can put notes or make edits to the list, so that is bullshit.

I am on the no call list, but you seem ok with that because you keep telling me that you aren’t telemarketers. Oh, you say there is a way that I can be taken off your list? All (!) I have to do is call an 800 number and request that? Well, fuck that. I have decided on a different tact.

The next time you call I am not going to be rude, but I will start asking YOU personal things. You seem to think it is ok to call me anytime and ask me things about what I do, so I figure I can do the same things to you. I will ask you about your sexual preferences, what sort of things you do when you wipe your ass after you crap, and I will also share my favorite masturbation stories (while only a few of them are first hand, they all will involve me!). I will ask, nay demand, that you describe yourself and what you are wearing because god knows I’ll do the same for me (I might not be entirely accurate, except for girth). Also, my voice will get huskier and more breathy and I will ask you to call me “Mr. Nails” for reasons that will soon become obvious.

I know, that is a dickish thing for me to do, but you know what? Sucks to be you! Seriously, you are the ones that have the telemarketer jobs in the first place. Oh, wait, it isn’t a telemarketer job, right? You know the difference? Telemarketers know they are scum already and won’t try to cross examine you when you tell them ‘no thanks’ politely (yes, I did start politely). Your job sucks and if you don’t want to deal with assholes like me, then you should quit your job. Yeah, the economy sucks now, but telemarketers/surveyors that are aggressive are the lowers forms of anal drippings and you are actively choosing to be like that. True story: I was a telemarketer in college! Seriously. For three hours until I quit because it was fucking hell.

The rubicon is now off, the gloves are on the next level. From now on, it is war. SO STOP FUCKING CALLING OUR HOUSE.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Name of the Year 2011: Bulltron Regional

Yes, I’ve been shirking my duties on The Nametard by not covering the Name of the Year tournament as quickly as I should, so instead of excuses, let’s just jump into it!

Bulltron Regional
1 Monquarius Mungo vs. Chelsea Poppens vs. 8 Widgett Washington vs. 9 Rockwell Bonecutter

Monquarius Mungo as a first seed? Seriously guys, this has to stop. First off, it is WAY to close to Barkevious Mingo who won in 2009, but mostly the reason why this is probably rated so high is because of its relative uniqueness and how it is different than other names. One problem, of course, is that it is almost exactly like a previous winner, but the even bigger problem is that names of this style are highly common in the black community in America. Sure it might be Monquarius, Barkevious (2009 winner), Winetavious (see below), or I’tavius (again, below), but the style remains the same and that style is not unique, not original, and not interesting enough to really be in the tournament, let alone a high seed. That said, of course, Chelsea Poppens is a pretty meh name, only sort of funny because it is sort of like Mary Poppens.

Widget Washington has three things going for it: The weird first name that sort of sounds like a name but sort of sounds silly, the common last name to counteract the oddness of the first name, and the fact that it is an alliteration. It isn’t great and interesting, but it is fun. Rockwell Bonecutter is something that someone badly names their dwarf fighter/cleric. It isn’t something you ever run into, but I have a huge bias against adejctivenoun names and find them to be hokey.

In this matchup Monquarious Mungo wins its first round by default but Widget Washington comes out on top overall.

5 Silverberry Mouhon vs. 12 Leviticus Payne vs. 4 Mercedes Bunz vs. 12 Col. Many-Bears Grinder

This is an interesting set because each name brings something different to the table. Silverberry Mouhon just brings the strange; who the hell gives their kid the first name of Silverberry? Mouhon isn’t a very common last name so it doesn’t add the contrasting weird first name/common last name motiff, but it isn’t rare or obscure enough to add to the strangeness overall. Basically this name is here based entirely on the first name which, while weird and odd, isn’t really strong enough to carry it all by itself. Leviticus Payne, though, is the opposite in that its last name is relatively common, but still odd in that it sounds like the word ‘Pain’, so that a well chosen first name may either contrast or complement it. However, Leviticus, while odd as a name, doesn’t actually do either.

Mercedes Bunz, what should I say about you? The pun names are not usually my favorite (which is odd if you know me), but this one is good for multiple reasons. First, the obvious pun on Mercedes Benz, but that isn’t enough to make it a good name by itself. Mercedes as a first name probably suffers from association with the car no matter the last name, so to have a name of the year pun off the car you need a name that brings that extra something special, and Mercedes Bunz absolutely does, thanks to Bunz immediately conjuring up the image of a butt in my (admittedly immature) mind. It might not have huge staying power, but I’m a fan of Mercedes Bunz (though it sounds horribly porny).

I’ll start a whole paragraph about Many-Bears Grinder, because I’m going to be serious for a second. Sure the name sounds odd to some of us, but why is that? Because the name “Many-Bears” is a literal name? I assure you, if you did a literal translation of any of our names (and, yes, almost every name has a literal translation) it would probably sound odd. Mr. Bevelacqua from Seinfeld (he tormented George and gave him a wedgie) has a good Italian name, but if you would have translated it, he would be Mr. Drink-the-water. That sounds odd, right? But you can do that to almost ANY name and it would be weird except for the fact that you don’t know how to translate it.

I am going to make an assumption here that Col. Many-Bears Grinder is Native American. We’ve seen other such style names of American Indians (hedging my bets here) on Name of the Year and I have the same reaction to each: while it may seem odd, it is really cultural chauvinism that makes people think they are funny or weird. It is quite condescending to think that a name, because it is from a different culture, is funny just because it is from a different culture. You might argue that it sounds weird in English, but it probably doesn’t sound weird in the native First Nation language, except for the fact that we as America have done our damndest to kill out all those languages. As such, I refuse to ever vote for this style of name, no matter how weird, funny, or whatever odd it is.

(EDIT: Apparently "Grinder’s first name was originally a nickname that stuck, so she legally changed her name." That makes it a stupid name overall, and though other people are ok with legal name changes, I think it makes it less authentic and stupid)

Anyway, I like Silverberry Mouhon over Leviticus Payne because of the more strange first name, but Mercedes Bunz overall. I bet she’s hot.

3 Joe Shortsleeve vs. 14 Tuesday Muse vs. 6 Ebenezer Noonoo Vs. 11 Cassanova McKinzy

Joe Shortsleeve sounds like a term people use for work-a-day chumps (the name “Joe” in front of many things does that), and it sounds neat. Not champion caliber, but still a neat little name. Tuesday Muse is two odd names that aren’t super odd and don’t really work together. Sure, you can say “I needed inspiration on the day after Monday, and look who I found!” but that’s about it. Not a bad name, just nothing great.

Ebenezer Noonoo has one of those first names that is instantly associated with a character from literature (as does his opponent) which is probably rare because of it. The last name of Noonoo sounds like “No! No!” which is funny, I guess. Nothing great, but Cassanova McKinzy just has the first name to go on, and that isn’t that interesting anyway.

Joe Shortsleeve take the both matchups, beating out Eenezer Noonoo in the second round.

7 Mississippi Winn vs. 10 Orion Blizzard vs. 2 Courvoisier Winetavious Richardson vs. 15 Shalom Dreampeace Compost

Oh Mississippi Winn can be a pun on the state or the football team at Ole Miss not losing. That’s it, and it isn’t that fun. It does, however, sound like a hustler, which I like. Orion Blizzard, however, has two strong “I’m gonna kick your ass” names, but has the negative of sounding like the villain in a badly written fantasy book.

Courvoisier Winetavious Richardson, I’ll say right up front, is over seeded and whose middle name has all the same problems as Monquarius above, but also has the tacked on first name of Courvoisier. I’ve talked about this in the past, but this sounds like someone naming their kid after something they think is high class to give it a high class name, but the reality is that it only sounds crappy. Again, I’m not sure if this name is here because people feel like it is fun to mock an obviously black name?

Shalom Dreampeace Compost is an unusual first name that is a word, a middle name that is the horrid adjectivenount construct (negative there), but followed by a last name of Compost. Compost? Really? Like the organic matter I stick in a bin to make soil for my garden? I know we don’t pick our last names, but….really? The names don’t really fit together, but they are odd altogether.

(EDIT: Damn, he changed his name too, and the connection to compost was intentional. That name now sucks.)

This section sucks, and I’ll take Orion Blizzard to face Shalom Dreampeace Compost in the second round. For the winner of that I’ll choose…..Compost? I guess. It isn’t something I feel strongly about, and if any of the names other than the second seed take this group of four, I wouldn’t really complain.

Tune in tomorrow where I’ll go through the next batch. And remember to VOTE!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

More on Briar

I’m still thinking about the name Briar for a girl. When I was looking around on the internet for insight on the name (i.e. Wikipedia), I came across the fact that Sleeping Beauty’s name (in the Grimm version at least) was Briar-Rose. Hmmm, I don’t like the hyphen there because it reads shorter than simply Briar Rose, and I don’t really like the pun-like characteristic of it, but the fairy tail provenance is nice. If it didn’t have the ‘-Rose’ part it would be much better, but that is the problem with this name (well, most names too). I still think it is a cute name and I have grown to even admire it, but we must find the names combine with it to make it work!

I agree with Chris in his comment that a multi-syllabic last name (with a bit of distinction to it) would make it work. He suggested Briar Wilkenson, and that sort of works. Not perfect, but better than the top 20 last names. Maybe Briar Williamson? Or, in honor of his MLB debut tonight, Briar Strasburg? Briar Zimmerman, Briar Willingham or Briar Moldanano might work (going down the Nats’ roster), as will (looking at Cinci’s roster) Briar Chapman, Briar Hanigan, or Briar Maloney. I actually like Briar Hathaway, but that sort of makes you think of Anne Hathaway so that is cheating.

The middle name definitely also has to be multi-syllabic and extra feminine. I think Briar Elizabeth works great, so we’ll go with it as the default (though Briar Jane sounds amazingly cute to me). So little Briar Elizabeth Wilkinson may work, though I really like Briar Jane Wilkinson (perhaps the multisyllabic last name needs a short middle name too?). Feel free to do what I do and browse the roster of various sports teams for last name inspiration (I only went to two) for other good choices. In my mind, the kid at my kids’ daycare’s name is either Briar Jane Wilkinson or Briar Elizabeth Strasburg.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Damn ambiguous feelings towards a name!

I’ll have final comments on the Name of the Year tournament later, but I am not outraged.

At my kids’ daycare I just noticed that one of the young kids (not in their class, much younger) was a girl named Briar. Never heard that before as a name, and it doesn’t register at all on the top 1000 for any year for either sex. The name causes me great consternation because I have no idea if I like it or hate it!

Seriously, I can see bad things about it (it is already a noun of something, it is named after a sticky plant, it doesn’t sound particularly masculine or feminine, it sounds cutesy and not something that an adult would have), but I can also see good things in it (it sort of sounds like a name, it is somewhat cute for a girl, it isn’t egregiously bad). I’ll be damned if I can explain, but the name sort of grew on me and, despite its negatives, I sort of like it.

The biggest problem with a name like this is that if it is good or bad strongly depends on the middle and (more so) last name it combines with. Since I do not know this kid or her parents, I do not know these names (and if I asked the daycare it would seem creepy and rightfully so), so I can’t say how well it combines. Instead I’ll but it next to each of the top 20 last names (via Wikipedia) in the US and give my opinion:

1) Briar Smith – Ehhh, not so good. Two short names like that don’t work, and it sounds a little masculine for reasons that elude me.
2) Briar Johnson – Again, not liking it.
3) Briar Williams – I do not like this, but I see why! It sort of looks like Brian, so this sort of sounds like Brian Williams the news anchor.
4) Briar Jones – This one isn’t too bad, but I’m not convinced.
5) Briar Brown – Alliterations for names are crap, so this one sucks.
6) Briar Davis – Nah.
7) Briar Miller – Two names ending in an ‘-er’ sound, not good sounding.
8) Briar Wilson – Too much like Brian Wilson.
9) Briar Moore – Don’t hate, but don’t like.
10) Briar Taylor – Again, double ‘-er’ name = not good.
11) Briar Anderson – Nah.
12) Briar Thomas – Don’t hate it, but sort of sounds like Blair Thomas, and we know how he turned out as a running back.
13) Briar Jackson – Sounds like a guy.
14) Briar White – Too short.
15) Briar Harris – Not bad, but not convincing.
16) Briar Martin – See #15.
17) Briar Thompson – See #16
18) Briar Garcia – Actually the best one on here so far is also the least likely. It would probably be pronounced differently though.
19) Briar Martinez – Not as good as Garcia, otherwise see #17.
20) Briar Robinson – It is ok, but this sucks that I can’t find a good fitting last name!

Ok, the common last names didn’t work, and I am NOT going through the whole top 100. But the point stands that the name could be really bad if it is paired with the wrong last name, and there are many unacceptable pairings above.

Now I have to think on this: What would be a good last name that would make Briar an acceptable first name?
-No short last names (it is already a short first one), though this is not necessarily hard and fast
-No alliterative stuff here: no Brown, Bryant, Bower
-No similar sounding stuff like Friar, Ryan, or anything ending in an ‘-er’ sound
-Nothing plant-like: no Green, Lily, Maples, Bush
-Nothing that begins with ‘r’ because it will run together to make one word
-Nothing that begins with a vowel or an ‘h’ for the same reason above

And the middle name HAS to be an obviously feminine name.

If I knew the whole name I could resolve if I hate it or like it. I’m not sure if I like this feeling.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Name of the Year, Chrotchtangle Region

Ok, I am still recovering from the stunning disqualification of Dick Smallberries, Jr. from the Name of the Year competition, but that will not stop me from analyzing the Chrotchtangle Regional! And Chrotchtangle is the best name ever.

Chrotchtangle Region


1 Just-in’love Smith versus 16 Charity Beaver. Ok, I’ll just start out by saying Just-in’Love Smith is a horrible crappy name that doesn’t even belong in the field of 64, let alone a number one seed. How is it crappy? Let me count the ways!

First, Justin Love or Justin Time or Justin Credible is a lame, overused, not funny crutch of a joke that hackneyed comedians, bad sitcom writers, and 10 year olds use. Seriously, this bad play on words was old and not funny when I was 8 and people would say it to kids name Justin in my class. It is played out and way too common, uncreative, and unclever. Don’t believe me? Let’s ask the Google! I’ll type in “Justin Love” making sure it is in quotes so we only get that exact spelling and words and we get 124,000 hits. Yes, ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND. This is not clever, not creative, not unique and not any way shape or form interesting or Name of the Year worthy. The parents of this person thought they were funny but were just stupid.

But it gets worse and more stupid! You see it has both a dash AND an apostrophe in it, and neither are necessary! The dash is between the Just and in, in case you didn’t catch that bad pun they are excruciatingly pointing it out to you. So I guess it is a hyphenated name like John-Paul, but is the names Just and In…wait….the name Just and the name In? Oh, but look they have an apostrophe between the ‘in’ and the ‘love’. WHY? It doesn’t add to it, it isn’t a contraction, and it just looks stupid. This name sucks for many reasons based just on the letters, but the stupid, unnecessary, and stupid (yes, it needed to be said twice) apostrophe and dash make it doubly sucky.

Some might argue that it now has become so bad that it doubles back and becomes good. No, this is an unworthy nominee let alone a number one.

Charity Beaver is an easy joke, but still sort of funny. Charity as a first name is weird, and Beaver as a last name is unusual, but they actually combine to make a funny play on words. Yeah, it isn’t too clever and it is sophomoric, but I’m not picking it to win it all. Besides, when I was in high school I wish I could have met some Charity Beaver (it was obligatory, I am sorry).

You hear it here first, I’m calling a massive seeding upset in Charity Beaver knocking out undeserving number one Just-terrible’name Smith.

8 Dr. Festus Dada versus Karma Sherpa. Wow, Dr. Festus Dada. Festus is sort of fun and odd, but it doesn’t really fit with Dada as a fun interacting theme at all. The doctor on the front makes it weird too because it doesn’t contrast greatly with the name, but doesn’t seem to fit anyhow. The name doesn’t seem cohesive and is just weird without a real purposeful weirdness to it, but that perfectly fits with the last name. Seriously, what sort of Dadaist name would it be if it was like Art Dada (actually….)? The name itself fits as a Dada work of art, which would not be that interesting except that the last name is Dada. I like it.

Karma Sherpa is sort of weird, but nothing too great. Yeah, Karma like karma and Sherpa like Sherpa, but these don’t really come together to form something special. As it is now it is just a somewhat odd first name paired with a somewhat odd last name. This works if the last name is Dada, but not if it is Sherpa.

I’m picking Dr. Festus Dada for the win here, and watch for him to be a surprise sleeper that might go far.

5 Flavius Killebrew versus 12 Mister Cobble. Flavius Killebrew is an odd name because Flavius sounds really anachronistic especially when paired with Killebrew, which pretty much only evokes Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew. It is an odd name where the first and last contrast, but not in a specific way, and there is no special synergy between them. Interesting, and something that would stand out, but not something that could win this and not something that should get a fifth seeding.

Mister Cobble makes me chuckle every time I say it. If it was Mister Williams then it wouldn’t be nearly as funny, but Mister Cobble sounds like someone you would meet in a Charles Dickens book. Mister as a first name is strange and might have some funny by itself, but for it to work as a NOTY candidate it has to fit with its last name, and I think it does. It sounds like something a child might name his stuffed animal, an early industrialist or robber-baron, or maybe some diabolical teacher. It is a name that makes you chuckle and think, and that it what I like.

Mister Cobble gets this one easily and is a force to reckon with for his other opponents.

4 Spartacus Bernstein versus 13 Bambang Parmanto. Ok, short one here because both of these are ho-hum filler entries that aren’t that great. Yeah, Spartacus Bernstein gives the contrast of Spartacus with the Jewish Bernstein. That’s it. Listen, like Romulus below, if you want to have an entry where the name is from some famous person, it has to be with an interesting combination with the last name. Bernstein doesn’t REALLY contrast with Spartacus and it doesn’t really meld with it to make a new fun story. Nothing special.

Bambang Parmanto is an entry which sounds like American chauvinism of ‘wow, that name just sounds weird. They do speak weird things in other countries.’ Hey, I’m for names like Vanilla Dong or anything where, in American English, it means something different. I’m also for names that have a certain lilt to them that sound fun and poetic when saying, like Banana Yaya. But Bambang Parmanto just doesn’t do it for me because it doesn’t have anything that is interesting besides ‘it sounds like a foreign language’ which is probably is.

I’ll give this to Spartacus in a battle of a ‘I don’t’ give a rats ass’ name.

3 Pencilman Jefferies versus Frantazy Bryant. Pencileman is an odd name, but its oddity is basically because it is just odd. Frantazy is like fantasy with a Z and an added R. Neither are very compelling, and I was tempted to just say ‘pass’ for this. I’ll pick Pencilman here, but these are filler entries.

6 Foxy Foxworth versus 11 Romulus Marino. I hate last names that are takes off the first name, like Willy Wilson or Bobby Robertson or John Johnson. They are stupid, but are often because people use a nickname based off their last name, and for that I blame idiot coaches of high school sports. This makes me wonder if Foxy Foxworth is really this person’s name, or just a nickname based of the last name? I’ll bet it is, so be not surprised if this is yet another disqualification. Not that it matters, however, because the name is crappy and only interesting because the first is a piece of the last. Ok, may Foxy is a bit weird, but its weirdness is diluted by the repetitiveness of it paired with Foxworth.

Romulus Marino is not that interesting either because Romulus, while unusual, is a real name and one of the mythological founders of Rome. Ok, I’ve never met a Romulus in real life, but if I did I would just think their parents were mythology buffs or Latin scholars and thought it was neat but not amazing or fascinating. Marino is a really common Italian last name, so it isn’t like there is some weird mismatch or synergy between the first and last. In fact, it would make sense that the most likely person to name their child after a mythological found of Rome would be someone of Italian ancestry. This is not a good entry into Name of the Year.

God, do I have to pick a winner of this? I’m not going to out of protest.

7 Furious Bradley versus 10 Whitney Mercilus. Whitney Mercilus is interesting as a name because the first name sounds like a small girl while the last name sounds like a heartless killing machine, but that’s about it. The negative is that the main fun part of this is the last name, and the name is spelled differently than merciless so it might mean something in another language. It is still a solid entry for something that trades mostly on the last name because the expectations of someone named Whitney are mismatched with it. It is ok, but nothing that could win it all.

Furious Bradley is, well, an awesome name. Ok, it is basically a wacky first name and normal last name, but that works sometimes. The first name is so out there that it is relatively unknown as a first name, but yet for reasons I cannot fathom, still sounds like a real name. Weird. But the name is a weird thing in that why would anyone want to name their kids something that pretty much only has negative connotations with it? Furious? Is that a good thing? If it was Stupendous Bradley we would think ‘that sound stupid’, but Furious Bradley makes us think ‘that sounds odd’.

But what really gets me is a combination of two things. First, it sounds like a superhero, which is awesome. But also because it recalls a way too obvious nickname of Milton Bradley (yes, his real name), currently of the Mariners, who has had lots of trouble with his emotions and seems to get furious on many occasions. For a name that is basically only a wacky first name, this one actually has surprising depth.

Furious Bradley wins this and, with some momentum, could go far.


2 Wave Ryder versus Pat Angerer. Both lame. Wave Ryder is too obvious and contrived. It is a play on words that isn’t clever, which is the most damning indictment of any pun or play on words you can say. I would say that it gets old after the second time hearing it, but it was old after the first time hearing it. Lame.

Pat Angerer is one of those ‘oh, the last name is unusual’ names, but doesn’t have any contrast or synergy with the first name. The last name isn’t that interesting anyway (I’ll bet it is not pronounced anything like we think it is).

I’ll give this to Wave Ryder, but only because of the weak opponent.


This was an odd bracket filled with a few matchups where I didn’t care who won because both names were lame plus a few that are sleeper names which I really like. It was a strange combination of my feelings towards the first two regionals. However, the seeding for this one was horrid and both the one and two seeds are just crap and non-clever puns. I do have three names I really like in Dr. Festus Dada, Mister Cobble, and Furious Bradley, and I’ll be damned if I can pick between the three as my favorite for this region, though I might be leaning toward Furious Bradley.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Name of the Year, Dragonwagon Regional

Voting for the Bulltron regional in the Name of the Year tournament is still going on over at the Name of the Year, so please go and vote now! There have been some interesting results and one disqualification, but I’ll talk about them once all the results are in. As for now, let’s get to the Dragonwagon Regional and hope it is better than the craptastic Sithole Regional.

Dragonwagon Regional

1 Spontaneous Gordon versus 16 Shy Ely. Shy Ely is somewhat silly and rhyming, but nothing special, so we know it is going to lose. Spontaneous Gordo is actually pretty neat as a name. Listen, I am well aware that there is nothing special about this name besides the first name, and even then it isn’t that great, but it flows very nicely. PLUS, it echoes of Flash Gordon, so it gives an impression of superhero to it. As a number one seed it is very weak, but it should easily win this matchup. Really, though, Spontaneous Gordon should have been like a 7 or 8 seed.

8 King Jamell Modesty versus 9 Gergor Schinghammer Jr. Normally, any first name of royalty “King”, “Prince”, etc. is boring and nothing super special, BUT this has the wonderful contrasting last name of Modesty. The parents gave this kid one of the most immodest first name ever in King but passed on their virtuously opposite last name of Modesty. I like it. It isn’t laugh out loud funny, but something that you get a chuckle over.

Gregor Schwinghammer Jr., though, is a formidable opponent. His whole name sounds like a big burly German guy who lives in the forest (someone you do NOT fuck with), which is cool. But he also has the “Schwing” in the last name which reminds those of us of a certain age of the overused catch phrase (they would call it a ‘meme’ nowadays, damn you Richard Dawkins for coining that so long ago!) from Wayne’s World, which adds a level of oddity to a super Teutonic name. The Jr., which normally adds something, doesn’t really make it better or worse since the name isn’t silly to contrast with the formality. A solid entry.

This one is really tough, and will probably be a toss up (as any 8/9 matchup should be). I’ll take King Jamell Modesty, but I am not putting money on this matchup.

5 Dinero Fudge versus 12 Shevelle Six. Ahhhhh, Fudge, the last name that I make fun of in Harry Potter as being stupidly childish and unrealistic, turns out to be used by real people. I’m biased against it already from Harry Potter (I hated it then because it sound fake, and it doesn’t improve in real life), and the first name doesn’t add much to it. I don’t hate it like the ones in the Sithole Region, but I’m less than impressed.

Shevelle Six isn’t that great either, but it immediately reminds me of a gang of people or maybe a sports team. Yeah, that isn’t that great, but “The Shevelle Six” are a tightly knit cabal that will NOT be messed with.

I’m not high on either one of these, but I’ll pick Shevelle Six because the names go together somehow.

4 Steele Sidebottom versus 13 Pizza Ashby. Steele Sidebottom is just a weird name overall. I’m not sure what it means or if there is anything I can say to add to it since it has its own essence (Syessence?) that is undescribable yet vaguely alluring. Really, it is just an odd name that doesn’t have a theme or funniness to it, just oddity.

Pizza Ashby, on the other had, is only notable because the first name is Pizza, and that is a stupid first name. Not really that interesting and doesn’t flow with the last name. Boring.

Steel Sidebottom easily wins this, and probably the next round too. I still don’t know why I like it.

3 Starzanne Stipes versus 14 Magnum Rolle. Ok, I’m not for Magnum Rolle because I’ve heard it before so its originality is lost to me. It does, however, sound like “a very large roll”, you know, like a penis, and any penis allusion is good! However, Magnum is an adjective that is neuter, so any talk about the large penis is nullified by the fact that it really isn’t describing a male’s “Rolle.” A shame.

Starzanne Stipes, silly as hell, but sort of funnily clever. Nothing that could win this tournament, but funny for the very reason that the last name is NOT Stripes. Just like Nohjay Nimpson, the humor lies in the similarity but not exact matching of our expectations of the words. Granted Starzanne sounds like the name of someone who lives in a trailer park, but that is a winning trailer park!

I’ll predict Starzanne Stipes winning this one, though a large contingent will vote for Rolle because of the penis-soundingness.

6 Aristotle Socrates versus 11 Pepi Hamburger. You see, THAT is how you double name someone after two famous people! Not only are they both famous thinkers, they are related in terms teaching (Socrates taught Plato who taught Aristotle), and the only thing that could make this even more overdoing it would be if his middle name was Plato (though Plato wasn’t nearly the thinker of the other two). This reminds me of the old sitcom Head of the Class where they would compete in academic competitions where one of the other schools had an intimidating student named Darwin Einstein. Just like that, this name just smacks you in the face with powerful thinkers that are connected, and you cannot do anything but respect it. I likes!

Pepi Hamburger is a silly little name that is only really funny because Hamburger is also a name of one of the most popular foods in the US. It is funny, and if I met him I would chuckle for awhile, but it is nothing special. It would easily beat Pizza Ashby or even Dinero Fudge above, but it has no chance against Aristotle Socrates.

Aristotle Socrates wins this won easily.

7 Selathious Bobo versus 10 Can Du. Yes, we get it, Can Du is like “Can do!” and it gets old after the first time. Weak. Selathious Bobo has the positives of sounding like salacious, the pseudo-Latin spelling (though –ious makes it an adjective), and the fun and silly Bobo as a last name. Nothing overall funny about the combinations, but they flow together and have a fun ring to it.

Bobo easily beats the boring Du.

2 Tyquan Hammock versus 15 Pamela Balls Organista. Again, nothing special about Tyquan because it is simply a common black male name with a super-special “y”. The Hammock part is interesting because it is like the thing you chill out on, but again, WHY IS THIS A NUMBER 2? It is not that interesting, funny, unique, or outstanding in any way.

Pamela Balls Organista has the great name “Balls” in it, which gives me hours of giggling. It is a pretty boring name, and Organista is only so-so interesting, but it does have Balls as a name.

I give this as an upset of Balls overtop the Hammock in a battle of names that aren’t very interesting.

This regional wasn’t nearly as bad, bland, and boring as the Sithole regional, but it hasn’t lived up to the high bar set by the Bulltron regional. I foresee whoever wins the King Jamell Modest/Gregor Schwinghammer Jr. contest to fight the final against Aristotle Socrates. I think it is the Greek Philosophers bracket to win.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Name of the Year, Sithole Regional

So the Name of the Year voting is going on (go vote now!), and it is interesting to see people’s opinions about Nohjay Nimpson. I think it might be an age thing, so that younger people may not think it is that funny. But luckily I am of the correct age to think it is funny, so I’m still on the Nohjay bandwagon (bronco?).

And for you commenters (I commented over on their blog, so that is probably why I have more commenters here) who thing you need to defend each name: please pull that big rod out of your ass. I really don’t care about the person’s history or anything, I am simply concerned with THE NAME. I don’t care if their parents MEANT to have a theme behind it because all I care about is how they stack up in the Name of the Year contest. It is great that you are defending them and all (more power to you!), but you do know you are defending them against someone who goes by “Nametard” and who has written lengthy pieces discussing badly named fantasy characters and why Madison sucks as a girls name, right? Also, yeah I see typos and wrong words and all, but correcting them is too much work. Onto the regions!

Sithole Region

1 God’s Power Offor versus 16 Peachy Trader. Yeck, I hate the name God’s Power Offor because it is too obviously trying too hard. It was seeded too high, but some people will think it is awesome (those people are wrong) so it will have backing. I think it sucks as a name of the year: no subtlety, no word play, no odd correspondence between the first and last name, and it uses a damn apostrophe. But Peachy Trader is just a silly name that doesn’t deserve any awards.

I give this to God’s Power Offor, but it will not survive a later match against the number 3 seed.

8 Special Jennings versus 9 Syessence Davis. Boooooooring. Special Jennings is ONLY special because of the first name, but so is Syessence Davis. Syessence is another one of those “lets make it special with nonsense additions to the beginning of another word” names that is crappy. I can NOT believe that these are seeded the same as Rich Tanguy!

I really don’t care who wins this one, so let’s just say Special Jennings because it invokes special education, and making fun of retarded people is always fun. God’s Power gets an easy win either way.

5 Coke Wisdom O’Neal versus 12 Typhoon Nurse. Coke Wisdom O’Neal is odd because the parents named him/her (who the hell knows?) a first AND middle name that are non-name nouns. Odd. They sort of contrast in that Coke (the drug) does not usually occur with Wisdom, but there is nothing super contrasting with them (compare it to the baseball player Angel Pagan). It is wacky, but just wacky without any real deep, meaningful essence to it besides that.

Typhoon Nurse is not something that jumps out at you, but has a subtle humor due to the relationship between the two names. It invokes some sort of aid worker helping during a storm or some shit like that. Again, it is weak, but at least the first and last name congeal to form something greater than each individual name (something that all Names of the Year should strive for).

Again, this another matchup where I’m not really happy with either one, but I’ll give it to Typhoon Nurse at the buzzer.

4 Shamiracle Johnson versus 13 Roy Spancake. Ugh, gee, I wonder what ethnicity Shamiracle Johnson could be? Another ‘add nonsense syllable to real word to make name’ entry. It doesn’t make for anything fun or interesting, just different and not in a positive way. Weak for a number 4 seed (really, this was that much better than Rich Tanguy??!?!). But Roy Spancake is just….. not interesting at all. The ONLY thing interesting is his last name sort of sounds like pancake. Lame.

Shamiracle gets this, but the whole upper half of the Sithole regions sucks.

3 Dick Smallberries, Jr. versus 14 Chinook Bacon. Heeheehee, oh we have a classic here in Dick Smallberries, Jr. Yeah, Dick plus anything if both funny and old, but this name has two great things going for it! First, the last name is sill, but it fits amazingly with the first name. First name is a euphemism for penis, and last name is a euphemism for testicles (with the added adjective of them being small). This is a good name, with the first and last name interplaying to make something special. But what really seals this for me is the “Jr.” because it makes it a little more official sounding (like Speedy Nutz above) against the silliness of it all, but also because Dick Smallberries, Sr. though “I want to keep this name going!” It wasn’t like he was the the Fourth and wanted to make give his son the same name of a long line of Dick Smallberries. Nope, instead he wanted his son to be named after him no matter how silly and weird the name might be.

Chinook Bacon is sort of funny because Chinook is a type of Salmon. But otherwise, it is not really that interesting (this seems to be a theme for most of the names of this region).

Dick Smallberries will win this in an absolute rout (see, correct spelling) and will only have to worry about Nohjay Nimpson down the road.

6 Napolean Einstein versus 11 Banana Yaya. Napolean Einstein is one of those neat “two famous people” names that jumps out at you as special, but when you think about it, there really isn’t anything special about the two names TOGETHER. There is no real connection between Napolean or Einstein, so there is no synergy with the names. This one sounds good at first, but disappoints in the end.

Banana Yaya isn’t great, but it is better than a lot of the other ones so far. It is silly sounding, and the first and last name don’t conceptually fit, but the sounds are what makes this. Banana as a first name is silly in a bad way, but Banana Yaya has five syllables with all the same vowels (or, for most Americans, mostly the same vowels) and it all flows together as one word.

I’m not happy about either of the names, but I’ll be bold (!) and predict an upset for Banana Yaya, though there is no overcoming Dick Smallberries later on.

7 Nubian Peak versus 10 Daequon Montreal. This regional absolutely SUCKS. Neither of these are really that good. Ok, Nubian Peak has the benefit of the first name being an adjective, so you can imagine that there is a mountain in Africa that this describes. But that’s about it. Daequon Montreal is only interesting because of the last name, and that isn’t that interesting at all. Daequon is relatively common amongst black males (I can name a few athletes with it off the top of my head), so it isn’t like that is unusual. Weak.

Nubian Peak wins this boring contest.

2 Tronic Williams versus 15 Waver Brickhouse. Seriously, this whole region blows. Tronic Williams is not a bad name (I know, that is weird, but I sort of like it), but nothing that makes it Name of the Year material. The only thing interesting is Tronic, but that isn’t spectacular and sort of sounds like it could be a name. Is it supposed to be sort of like chronic? Really, a number two seeding? Horrible call. But Waver Brickhouse is just as boring, but has the negative of the interesting part of the name is the last name, and Brickhouse isn’t that interesting.

Tronic Williams wins this, but again, who cares about this crappy matchup.

Seriously, the only thing that sucks worse than this region is the seeding for it. God’s Power Offor will trample through it until he gets to Dick Smallberries, Jr. who will devastate every opponent and easily win the region.

Ok, that’s it for the Sithole Region. I’ll be back for the other two regions as well as commentary on the results as they come on.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Name of the Year, Bulltron Regional

I would be quite amiss in my duties as The Nametard if I didn’t think about the Name of the Year contest. Now, I do not pretend to be someone who can predict the winners of this with any accuracy (two years ago Destiny Frankenstein was robbed!), but I can do what I always do: give snarky, cynical, and (hopefully) critical analysis of the names!

(If you don't know what Name of the Year is, please go here and read about it. I absolutely love it and why I've never written a blog post about it is beyond me.)

I’ll run down the first round matchup and give my vote/analysis/prediction for each:

Bulltron Regional

1 Nohjay Nimpson versus 16 Lolita Respectnothing. Wow, Nohjay Nimpson is so awesome that there are few that could compete with such an awesome name. It combines a pun on a well known name and an alliteratively poetic sound with the fact that it is based (probably?) off of a notorious name. If OJ never killed those people (oh, and he did), then this name would merely be ok, but the infamy of his name makes this one an instant classic. I would put this as the overall favorite to win it all.

As for Lolita Respectnothing, it does have Lolita, harking back to the infamous book (one that is on my list to read one of these days), but I really don’t like the obviously manufactured last names. It is something that is an attempt to be tough and awesome, but really is immature and stupid as a name. Yeah, I know she didn’t pick her last name, but we are just judging the names themselves. I can see why this is a 16 seed. Ironically, the last name makes me lose respect for them.

This first matchup will be an absolute route.

8 Rich Tanguy versus 9 Courvoisier Riley. Wow again, because I just LOVE the name Rich Tanguy. I mean, we’ve all known people that you can describe like that, and we all HATE him. This is one of those wonderful names where it probably wasn’t obvious that the combination of first and last name would make it like that, but once you see it you can never not think about it. Seriously, this is one of those funny, but solidly funny that won’t wear off once the zaniness wears off.

Courvoisier Riley is such a crappy name. I’m not a fan of naming kids after alcohol (Brandy, Sherry, Singlemaltscotch), but especially something like Courvoisier that is a trendy booze that people who try to be all wannabe sophisticated drink. But what is damning about it is that this name is interesting ONLY because of that. If it was something like Courvoisier Brandy or even better Courvoisier Bevelacqua, then it would work. As it is now, this is simply a first name doing the heavy lifting for the last one, and it can’t even pull its weight.

A shame Rich Tanguy will meet Nohjay Nimpson after this round because those are two of my favorites in the whole tournament. I think Rich Tanguy wins this in a route.

5 Dirk Kool versus 12 Sequoyah Stonecipher. Neither jump out at me, but for different reasons. Dirk Kool is short and all, with a dagger for a first name and a good attitude/ghetto cigarette for a last name. Nothing great or bad about it, except it sounds like the name of a protagonist in a computer game. Sequoyah Stonecipher is... I’m not sure. I don’t like the added super-special ‘y’ in the first name, but otherwise it is an odd and weird sounding name that doesn’t really have a strong theme behind it. Its weird fun-ness wears off quickly, and I am not a fan of adejctivenoun names (see my fantasy name post).

I’ll give this one to Dirk Kool, but I am not invested in either.

4 Jesus Leonardo versus 13 Indiana Faithful. Damn baseball, with all its Spanish names, has ruined the name Jesus for me because I automatically read it as the Spanish pronunciation. Yeah, Jesus Leonardo is good because it conjures two great names, but I don’t read it like that so it fall flat for me. Indiana Faithful is sorta weird and doesn’t have great sticking power, but I think the seeding of Jesus Leonardo underestimated the Spanish pronunciation as a factor and put it too high.

I see Indiana Faithful in an upset, but don’t see her lasting long (it is a her, right?).

3 Hanukkah Wallace versus Cynnamon Crabb. Oh, if Cynnamon Crabb was spelled without the stupid extra-special ‘y’ I might think a little higher of it, but even ignoring that, the truth is that it is just a so-so name. Yeah, it sounds like some odd culinary fusion dish, but it could likely be a species of brownish crustacean.

Hanukkah Wallace is weird in that there is nothing really strange or special about the name except that the first name is a holiday. But the real beauty of the name is the flow of the first and last name together, with all the vowels bouncing off the consonants in rhythmic fashion and melding into something that sound both poetic and badass.

I give this to Hanukkah Wallace easily.

6 Stalin Felipe versus 11 Hitler Makofane. So it has come to this? The Name of the Year contest has been Gowin’d! Ok, seriously, the biggest mass murderer off all time against the second biggest mass murderer of all time respectively, and you KNEW the tournament committee just loved the idea of pitting them against each other. This one is tough because both of them are essentially only trading on their first name, so we have to go by how the name mesh with the last name. Stalin Felipe flows somewhat better than Hitler Makofane, but nothing to make me really want to choose it more than the other. What really wins it for me is I can imagine Stalin Felipe being someone from Cuba who was named that in some loyalty to communism, but whose ultimate legacy will be that he ended up in a blog of silly and odd names. But, unlike in real life, when this Stalin defeats Hitler, he won’t be around much longer.

Stalin Felipe in a toss up.

7 Two Willis versus 10 Dr. Speedy Nutz. You know they love to put the ‘Dr.’ in front of the fun names to juxtapose some cachet on something that might not be taken seriously. It works really well here, though, because Speedy Nutz just sound zany, while Dr. Speedy Nutz sound zanily weird but undeniably professional (because it IS someone’s professional name). Two Willis is ok, but nothing really fun or great about it. I might call it a tossup if Speedy Nutz didn’t have his advanced degree, but as Dr. Speedy Nutz, he is easily the favorite to win here in not only an upset, but a blowout.

2 X’zavier Bloodsaw versus 15 Daron Populist. Oh crap, I think they over-seeded X’zavier Bloodsaw, but Daron Populist is really weak that it doesn’t matter. I’m not he biggest fan of apostrophes in names, and the “X’z” is totally overdoing it, and it has the damn adjectivenoun last name, but dammit if that combination hasn’t won me over. I mean, if you are going to go with a name, you might as well overdo it. Seriously, it uses four of my ironic tips on how to make fantasy names despite being a real name, and the last name has the components of ‘blood’ and ‘saw’ in it. Jesus, if this isn’t the name of Demon in a fantasy role playing game, I don’t know what is! And while I think that a name like Rich Tanguy is much more awesome, I cannot deny the sheer awesomeness of the overdone fantasy clich├ęs that make X’zavier Bloodsaw a blowout winner.

Ok, that’s all for that region, I’ll go through the other regions over the next couple days. For this region, I see Nohjay Nimpson to be the clear favorite, but he has his work cut out for him by a possible match with Rich Tanguy in the second round and an eventual (and inevitable) fight against the Demon Prince X’Zavier Bloodsaw, Archduke of the 347th layer of the Abyss.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

More on the Boards!

The message boards at babynames.com get my ire once again. I know I should branch out to other places, but this is such a rich source of mockability that I can’t quit it.

Caitlin asks if John David is too common and normal to fit in with her ‘sibset’ (god I hate this terminology)? Yes it is. Also, you named one of your children ‘Moa’? What, was ‘Elephant Bird’ too common and normal?

Cokabean asks about a few names. Let’s go at them in order!
-Malia = I am trying to copy off of the president. Get some originality (and I don’t like it anyways).
-Mariah = Like Mariah Carey. Too attached to a famous person (and I don’t like it anyways).
-Maribel = Sounds like Mary Bell, but with a trying to be different spelling. This isn’t an offensively bad name, but a “trying to hard to be different in the suburbs” bad name.
-Maricela = There are a bunch of ways you could pronounce that, and any of them scream ‘trying to hard’.
-Mariella = Hmmmm, I see a pattern here. While this name still strikes me as trying too hard (it is obvious you are trying too hard to fit something with a ‘Mar-‘ beginning), this one ain’t the worst of them. I’d pick this one, or go back and try to not try too hard.

Saudade asks about Shoshannah. If you are Jewish, sure, though I associate it with the whole Jerry Seinfeld thing from years back (that probably won’t matter for her generation though). If you aren’t Jewish, that would be like being some Midwestern white chick being named Juanita (see previous rules).

blue_eyed asks about Autumn, and if it goes with Caspian and Fleur. Oh, jusus fucking Christ, you are one of those horrible naming people. This isn’t a freaking piece of fan fiction here! Let me guess, you are a fan of Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia? Autumn, oddly, is the least crappiest of those names, but still sucks as a first name. You are trying to be clever, but you fail.

SummerRain asks about the name Tristan. Hmmm, this is a difficult one. If Tristan is a rare name, than I think it works because it is strong, nice sounding, based in mythology, and sounds like a name. BUT…..it sounds like a trendy name that the stupid suburbanite housewives would love, so you have to be wary of it turning into Aiden or Isabella. Let’s look at the data to see….wow, it shot out of nowhere to be relatively popular in the mid-1990s and has been hovering in the 80s recently. I don’t have a problem, per se, with the name, but fear that it will be dated and trendy. Nice try though!

lindz1083 asks about Georgia or Savannah. Oh, wait, I have better options! How about Atlanta or Augusta or Macon or Athens or….

BashfulBean asks about Jesper Charles and Felix, which would go along with their current kids of Atticus Noah, Milo Theodore, and Severus Grant. Apparently they are going to start a minstrel show with their kids.

Mom2CoriWes asks about the names Brennan and Nolyn for a girl. Most of the time these boards are mutual masturbation of name appreciation where everyone says ‘I like it!’ or some other empty platitude without any real insight or critical though. Not this time, however, as people rightly see this attempt at forcing obvious boy names onto a girl. It is sad when even babynames message board people will look down on your name. Also, Nolyn has the stupid ‘replace any vowel with Y!’ rule going, so it automatically sucks.

Alexis2519 asks what people think of Alba. That is such a white name.

cokabean (again!) asks about the name Donna. That name is the definition of ‘woman’ to me.

princesskmw asks about the name Ivy. Ivy is the worst fucking plant that has ever been planted, and to name a child after such a horrid, horrible, evil fucking plant that damages fences, yards, and bricks (!) and is impossible to get rid of is bad. Bad.

Mazy asks about the names Aurelia and Beatrix for sisters. Put the Harry Potter down (and realize that Beatrix is a fucking ugly name).

winter asks about the name Poet. I’d go with Novelist, Playwright, Lyricist, or Speech Writer.

2matsigirl38 asks about the name Paisley. Seriously? Fucking horrible name in which the child will be (rightfully) mocked about her whole life.

cokabean (Jesus Christ, yet again?) asks about Carlo and Mariposa. Carlo, standard name and all, whatever. Mariposa is Spanish for Butterfly, but also slang for a gay man. Luckily someone links to this quickly, but adds ‘it’s very pretty though’. No, you cannot name a someone that, even if it is a girl. You wouldn’t name a girl ‘Faggot’ in English, and you wouldn’t name a girl Mariposa in Spanish.

2matsigirl38 (again!) asks about Emma. I know, I do this on purpose because I like to end when someone has to sign onto a message board (and pay money) to ask strangers opinions about THE MOST POPULAR FUCKING NAME FOR A GIRL FROM LAST YEAR.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Randomly Chosen Names, part 2

You know the drill from below, I use dice to randomly select two boys and two girls names from the top 1000 names from last year that I must use if I have a child (they supersede yesterdays choices). Then I do the same for a friend of mine with the last name Johnson. Here goes!

Nametard Choices:
Boy
- 671 Jamie
- 308 Ronald
Girl
- 53 Kaitlyn
- 519 Caylee

Lots to work with here! Jamie as a boys name? As a nickname for James or Jamison, but as a name itself? No way, sounds bad and androgynous. Ronald? Old school baby boomer name (see my post on this), and will be called Ron Weasley by kids all growing up.

Now the girls are interesting names because they suck. Kaitlyn is Caitlin with the 'K replaces all C's' and 'Y replace a vowel' rules for making crappy fantasy names. I think I've railed on alternative spellings that are contrived many times already, so I'll leave it for now, but obvious fail. Caylee? Like Cay Lee? Sounds like a nickname or something someone would be named in a southern trailer park, WAIT, isn't it the name of the little girl who was murdered that Fox news won't stop talking about? That'll be an end to THAT discussion.

The fates were unkind to me today.

Now for the Johnson family's choices:
Boy:
- 535 Felipe Johnson
- 223 Marco Johnson
Girl:
- 516 Quinn Johnson
- 954 Azaria Johnson

Lots of fun here! Felipe Johnson is a bit mismatched ethnicity, but sort of fun I have to admit. Marco Johnson doesn't quite flow, but isn't shameful. Quinn? For a girl? No. Azaria Johnson, obviously named after Helen Hunt's ex-husband, sounds contrived. Win for boys, fail for girls in this. Felipe Johnson actually grows on me.... Hell, let's give Felipe a middle name.... rolled 456, so....
Felipe Kelvin Johnson
Hey, not bad!